I should be more careful

I continue to feel out of sorts.  I could write post after post about my children and how they don't sleep, how their behavior is beyond what I think anyone understands, or how often I feel like a terrible mom as I read other blogs but I won't bore you.

I was just now having such a moment.  Reading a blog of one happy mom whose son doesn't seem to give her a moments trouble, they do cool things and she is very creative.  I came back to Google reader to "mark all her posts as read" so that I wouldn't have to be reminded of how delightful her life seems.  But I marked all 165 items as read.  I should be more careful but really I think it is just a sign.

I am going to take a break from blogging.  I've been thinking about it for some time.  I'm not sure how long and I wish I could have written something a bit more profound as to why I am taking a break but alas Si is crying fiercely and refuses to go down for his nap.  It's best that I just go and deal with him.

Edited to Add:  Thanks for all the well wishes.  I know this post seems like a broken record.  This has been a continual struggle that I know I've addressed before.  Your comments now and in the past about this subject are very much appreciated.

Comments

[m]

I'm sorry about your difficult day(s). Keep in mind that there are MANY moms struggling with little ones at home -- I remember being one of them -- who barely have time to use the bathroom, let alone blog about their lives! The "happy mom" blogger is apparently in an easy place in life right now. That's nice for her...but I would venture to say that more SAHMs with small kids are feeling like you do, esp. in this cold, grim time of year.

Forget about blogging, and reading anyone else's blogs, if that's what you need for now. You don't owe anyone an apology. Turn on a couple of extra lights in your home, light a candle, put on some soothing music while you try to sooth Si. Read old favorites to Cat, rather than trying to introduce something new. Take some pleasure in the familiar. The days of winter can be long and particularly dark when you are struggling at home with the kiddos. This happens to every loving, caring mom. Be assured that you are not alone in this! And be kind to yourself. The sun will come out again.

[Jenny]

I have been feeling out of sorts for awhile too. One of the downsides of blogging is that it invites us to compare ourselves to even more people than we would ever meet in real life. We know we shouldn't, but we do. How can you not? As far as the blogger and her son (and I'm sure you know this), just because she blogs about how all the great things they do doesn't mean that their whole life is perfect. I'm willing to bet there are things that you're "better" at than she is. I don't know exactly where I'm going here- I guess I'm trying to say that I can understand what you're feeling. And that I'll miss you during your break- I hope you start feeling more like yourself soon.

[Caroline]

Oh, Nina. ((HUGS)). I second what M said..there are many moms in your shoes. I am one of them. James has been a lousy sleeper since August. Matthew loves to pester James. It drives me crazy. I think, also, things are much more difficult when you're not well rested. Go easy on yourself. I hope your break relaxes you. We'll miss you.

[sarah]

Nina, I'll miss your posts. Really, I do look forward to them. I find that we have a lot in common. I agree that this time with little ones is very difficult. For me it is especially difficult this time of year (Asher had a tantrum the other day because he wanted grass...and all we have is snow...and what am I to do about it?).
I hope you'll come back to your blog and I hope you'll find peace in your life. It doesn't have to look like others' lives...it is your own...I hope you find happiness in it. With much love, Sarah

[Sara]

Everyone has more trouble with their kids than others can understand. Carbon didn't sleep through the night until he was 3, and I felt like I couldn't tell people that because it would sound like there was something wrong with us. Then I finally did tell some people, and they all admitted to having problems of their own. Now, Hypatia goes nocturnal on me a few nights a week, then I have these hernia nights, and the next morning I have to just smile and act normal as I take other people's kids off their hands ...
Not sure how this turned into a big complaint. I just meant to say that we all have problems! :) Blogs are a bit like those Christmas letters some people send - we edit for content sometimes. I know I just don't usually blog on my bad days, and instead write all my complaints and anger into my private journal. Reading that makes my life look horrible, while my blog makes it look great. The truth is in the middle.
Take care of yourself, and do what is right for you.

[Piseco]

Nina... I can only second what the others have said. We all put our best faces forward on our blogs, and most of us think that the rest of the world doesn't want gory details about our troubles. But we all have our bad times, and I can deeply understand how bringing a child, not a newborn, into the home from another culture can be so hard and so disruptive - the months since we traveled to Guatemala have been so hard on me, and I've felt "out of sorts" more days than not too. I hope that you can find the support you need, and if you ever need another listening ear, I'd gladly be there for you.

[Meredith]

Oh Nina, I could tell you so many times when I have felt exactly the same way. My two yo son is SO much different from my other children, sometimes I think he's from another planet, but I thank God everyday for him and I am glad that he's different because he's working on ME, which is so totally necessary! Big Hugs, and don't feel guilty about not blogging, do what you gotta do, we will certainly miss you tons, but this mom for sure understands :)

[Missy K]

Dear Nina,

Just sending you blessings and a wish for peace-- in your heart and in your days with the kids and your nights as well. Please, please remember, whatever you decide about the world of blogging, when we blog, no matter how transparent we try to be, we paint our lives with varying degrees of accuracy. We choose what we will tell.

Please just take care of yourself and be kind to you.

[Eileen]

Oh, Nina! I wish you lived next door, I'd talk your ear off about this.

My 4yo is such a challenge, though every year it gets a little easier. He wouldn't sleep--ever, it seemed. I never got more than 3 hours of sleep a night for almost 3 years, and he didn't start taking a nap until he was 18 months old. He was cranky and exhausted all the time, and so was I. I still haven't completely recovered! We even went to see an adoption specialist, thinking the problem was an attachment issue. He just told us "He's a difficult kid" (that'll be $100, please) and pointed us toward some resources.

Anyway, I'm surviving...sometimes quite well, actually. He's just a wonderful kid, so helpful and smart and sweet, but his negative reactions are way over the top, he's quick to get physical in his anger, and his fuse is exceptionally short. (I didn't call him "Taz"--short for Tasmanian Devil--for nothing!!) :)

Why am I telling you all of this? Because I know you can and will survive this, too.

This morning my husband, a Fire Chief, came home from his first fire fatality in 17 years with the fire company, after assisting a mutual aid call to another district all night...a grandma, mom and two young kids, including one affected by autism, all died in the fire.

Kinda puts everything in perspective, at least for me.

There are much, much worse things that can and do happen to people, every day, than having to raise a cranky kid who won't sleep.

I didn't mean to write a sermon, I hope it didn't come off that way. I just so want you to hang in there, until you can experience the true blessing--*blessing*--of the day's challenges. I really think we could help each other along the way, and I hope you'll stick around where I can find you!!!

((((Prayers & Hugs)))))

Warmly,
Eileen

[Christie]

Take your time.
We'll miss you but will be here when you return!
Hugs
Christie

[Jennifer]

nina, hugs here too. I hope to hear from you soon. Take it easy.

[cheryl]

Hang in there, Nina. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[Seastar]

Ditto to everyone's comments. Kids are hard work. And some days go well and other don't. A lot of days don't. And you never get a holiday. All night and all day is very wearing I know. Take a break from the pressures of blogging and come back when you feel like it. I always enjoy your posts.

Sarah

[patience]

emailling you.

[Catching Fireflies]

Nina

I just wanted to say that I am sorry you are feeling bad. I try to be as honest as I can on my blog but my mother reads it so I can't talk about the messed up "heck" that is my extended family here in S.B..

I might just have to write you offline to share.

I can tell that you have been tired and maybe overwhelmed for awhile. Please feel free to take care of yourself. Please don't compare because many of us, for whatever reason, can't or won't share our difficulties (I have been thinking about making a secret blog so I can write about what is really going on...)

Don't feel like you need to be anything other than you are. Trust me that we mom's TOTALLY understand. We might not have the same problems but we do have problems. We hurt, we are upset, things are not perfect.

I want you to be able to find support in blog land rather than feel like you aren't doing enough. I don't know what is going on in your home but I feel like you do so much an that you are a really good person.

So take care of yourself and I am here to talk anytime you need to.

[Emily]

Nina, I haven't commented on your blog for a long time, but I've been around. I know I am one of the moms guilty of showing only the best of life in my blog. I will miss your posts, but obviously your blog isn't as important as your family and your personal well-being. I hope you feel better soon. Mothering can be one of the hardest thing in the world sometimes, but I can tell you are a good ones. Your little ones are lucky to have you.
Warmly, Emily

[Emily]

Wow. Let me fix that messed-up sentence...Mothering can be one of the hardest things in the world sometimes, but I can tell you are a good one.

[Angela, Mother Crone]

{{Nina}} I wish there was a way to let you know how wonderful you are, and that this too shall pass (difficulties with the kids!) If I had been bloggin when mine were that age, many of my blogs would have been filled with stress as well. Please keep in touch, and come back when you are ready.

[mrs darling]

Oh Nina. I wish I lived next door. I would come over and help yoou. I really would. Just remember honey that these days are not forever. Just do the best you know how and leave the rest to God. Love and hugs and blessings on you and your little family!

[Jennifer]

I will miss your blogging :( You always have such wonderful ideas and such a sweet spirit behind your words. Hang in there. I think we are similar spots with the ages of our children (a preschooler and a toddler) and I feel like all I do all day is listen to whining, crying, and cleaning up messes. You sound like such a good mom. Things will get better!!!

[Alycia]

We took a 5 month blogging break. Seems like forever but it was much needed. I hope you are able to completely focus on whatever you need too, cyberlife will always be here. Blessings & peace.

Alycia
The Power of One

[Kira]

enjoy your break ~ and no apologies. I'll be thinking of you.
peace,
Kira

[Liz]

I can only echo what everyone else has said. In the cyber world, we can edit our lives and make them seem like a fairytale. But in the real world, I have yet to meet anyone with a fairytale life. We all struggle and fail (sometimes miserably) everyday. I enjoy reading other people's blogs, but many times I find myself getting discouraged about what is lacking in my life. I know I've decided to limit my blog reading to a couple times a week. It takes my time away from my home and family and it can be a downer as I judge myself for not doing more and being more. I still plan to update my blog(s) because it helps me focus on what is positive in my life. And, you are certainly not the first mom whose child is not a good sleeper. My son didn't sleep through the night until around 2 1/4 yrs. He didn't sleep in his own bed in his room until he was 2 1/2. My 21 month old daughter still won't go to sleep on her own or sleep in her crib all night. She wakes up 1-2 hrs. after going to sleep wanting to sleep in bed beside me. After our experience with our son, my husband and I know that we just have to wait it out and eventually we'll have our room to ourselves again. Concerning behavior, our son is very high-maintenance. We are constantly working on his behavior and attitude. Some days I have to remind myself of all his good traits because he's constantly in trouble. Keeping a routine is somewhat helpful. And speaking of a routine, I have a very hard time sticking to one consistently. It's a constant struggle. Well, sorry to leave such a long comment. Thanks for your comment on my blog. I should run. My toddler is crying for my attention. :)

[Beth]

This is what I get for not being online much these days -- I miss posts like these! I'm sending you great big hugs. {{hugs}}

I've barely blogged lately -- just too much stress and worry and illness and grief.

I'll miss you: go easy on yourself; come back when you can. {{hugs}}

[Cathy at Poohsticks]

Nina, my dear, I will miss reading about your life and your little ones. I remember very well the days when my lovely lady was young and did not sleep. My life was a fog. But we made it through. Sometimes by the skin of our teeth, but we both made it. You're a wonderful mama, and I know that you will make it through these times.

Take care of yourself, and you will be missed. Know that even though you're not posting on your blog, you'll be in my thoughts.

Blessing and peace to you and your little ones.

Cat